Rings of Putrification: The Absolute Gall of Amazon’s Rings of Power
Evil Cannot Create Anything New, It Can Only Spoil And Destroy What Good Forces Have Invented or Created – JRR Tolkien
You ever get the feeling you can see the glow of someone’s excitement appear in their adaptation of an already established work? Like you can practically see their joy at being given such a beloved story to work with leaking into their work.
That intangible enthusiasm for their subject material permeates the entire experience, resulting in a silent testament to all who view the final product that any failings in the story (should they appear) are entirely the fault of the adapter and not of the work being adapted.
In short, you can sense when a project is a labor of love.
Yeah, Amazon took the opposite approach.
Let’s not mince words here, dear reader. Their Seminole abomination against God and Man: The Rings of Power takes the time honored and world famous piece of foundational lore known as The Lord of the Rings, and just hate-fucks it into the dirt.
A bold strategy, one might say.
I call it fucking stupid.
How do they go about cocking this up? Well to be honest their sins are far too many for me to count but I’d say they have three cardinal offenses:
1. Portraying Critical Events That Didn’t Happen
Like making a love triangle between Elrond, Galadriel and fucking Sauron for instance. The age difference between Galadriel and Elrond alone would make her a prime candidate for a surprise visit from Chris Hanson and the fact that Elrond marries her daughter makes this even more fucked up. The fact that this world’s version of Satan is somehow in the running to get a bit out of that Galadrussy isn’t just a crime against Tolkien, it’s a crime against artistic expression. Why do this? Were they legally unable to present what happened in the books because Warner Bros wouldn’t sell Amazon the rights? If so then why bother doing this at all? If not then what are they doing in their spare time besides gargling bleach?
2. Inventing New Characters Because Tolkien Didn’t Make Enough
I hate the showrunners for this walking abortion of a quote, dear reader. Yes, they actually tried using this as an excuse as to why they wrote some hackneyed original characters but, I mean, have you fucking read Lord of the Rings? These fuckers be triple c thiccc. The appendices alone have lore sufficient enough to make “Tolkien scholar” a viable job title and you’re saying the Professor didn’t make enough characters to inhabit your half assed TV Show? Get the fuck out of here. Peter Jackson got criticized for doing this in the Hobbit trilogy and that cringe shit couldn’t hold a candle to the inept clusterfuck of the “Harfoots” (because they didn’t fork up the cash to be able to say “hobbit” on screen)
3. Attempting to Supplant the Originals
The bane of every prequel shitshow out there. The writers try to force viewers to accept their own shitty writing as canon and therefore good by making a prequel to an already established work wherein THEIR story (shitty as it may be) HAS to take place in order for the beloved series to take place because their work technically came first chronologically. This is like the fat kid who got pissed at being picked last AND being forced to play goalie taking his ball and going home. No one actually respects you for it and if anything it just makes you look even more pathetic than you already all.
So in short, fuck this show, dear reader. I beg of you: don’t watch it. Watch Peter Jackson’s The Lord of The Rings movies instead and with the extended editions as God intended. Or, better yet, read The Lord of the Rings. Peruse the Hobbit. Flex on your friends and read the Silmarillion. Be a hipster and read The Unfinished Tales! Anything but watching this desecration.
Make no mistake, dear reader. Amazon could have had something timeless and great but in their arrogance they chose to abuse one of our most beloved franchises and it failed.
Tolkien deserves better and, quite frankly, so do you.
Until next time.